The 2020 Employee Review

CTTO: Goalcast.com

When I was writing my previous blog, I knew what I wanted to say. I did have the theme and topic in mind but whilst writing it, I realized that I had two different realizations. And the two deserved two diffferent posts. Thus this second post in one day.

As mentioned on my previous blog, I had my performance review at work yesterday. The money aspect of it was awesome and the conversation with my new boss was also quite interesting.

Ok..so remember I updated you that my boss got his EP revoked and as a consequence of that, he needed to leave the country. Now I’m reporting directly to his boss…lets call him Mr. T.

I havent really interacted with Mr T. directly nor worked with him directly in my time here in this company. From time to time we would be in the same meetings together. I would have minimal interaction with him so I didnt really know him and do not really know his working style until now — which to me was very surprising.

So far (and I say so far…cause its early stages of the work relationship — just three weeks at this time) I like his style. He’s able to give me autonomy whilst still being able to guide me on what I need to do, he teaches me how to deal with different stakeholders inside and outside of our organization and I feel that he genuinely cares for my well being.

Having said that, going into the meeting to talk about my 2020 review, i didnt know what to expect. Didnt know what he would say…of course my old boss was the one who saw my self evaluation and my ex boss knew me more than Mr. T at this point. I came in with an open mind but also was anxious cause I didnt really know how I was fairing and given that my tasks right now at work are NOT MY STRONGEST SKILLS — actually I only have maybe 20% skills for it! Though I am learning each day and I take each day at a time — and a part of me likes it.

My expectations with colleagues, with bosses and with the company in general has evolved over the course of my 1.6 years in this company. I was thrusted with work that I personally was not confident nor comfortable with. I am now the only member that is still here from our 2019 team (caveat: my other officemate- CK is on maternity right now). Everyday am forced to learn quickly, figure things by reaching out to other people in the organization, adjust to the new scenario I am in and moving forward- all this whilst keeping my old tasks and old R&R. One thing for sure is that ….IT’S NOT EASY!

But even though its not easy I find myself enjoying it just cause I realized that I like the autonomy. I like the fact that I am able to make decisions and recommendations in improving processes that I was not really comfortable with when my old boss was in the helm. I am learning new skills and new tech that I would not nor will never have learned if I was still doing my old job — which to be honest is a double edged sword. I like that I have a say on things. And that my words matter. That I am taken seriously by people and that I know I am directly contributing to the company’s growth (if any).

On one side — I am learning and developing new skills that I would have never wanted to do. If you ask me, I would never have thought that I would volunteer to do the job that I am doing now.

On the other, its so fucking hard. To constantly adjust, to constantly figure things out and constantly feel that you’re mostly lost and dont really know if what youre doing is right in the first place. To constantly be guessing if the decisions I am making are the right ones. To always being unsure of oneself (which I am most of the time but this is like 10x of that feeling). And to be honest, I’m not sure if I am just surviving day by day or I am thriving day by day. All I know is that it is freaking hard. I AM DEFINITELY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!

I digress.

Back to my evaluation…

So coming into the conversation, I didnt know what to expect. Mr. T hasnt really been my boss for too long and I dont know if my old boss has told Mr. T what my strengths and weakeness are. So I was anxious to say the least.

IN summary these were what was conveyed to me:

Positive:

1. Energy I bring to the team and to the work.
2. I am hard working and have been able to handle tasks and taking over what my old boss was doing.
3. I have a positive attitude that influences most of the marketing team and
4. That I have been able to bounce back from the emotional rollcoaster that the past two weeks have been.

Areas of Improvement:

1. Long winded.
2. Not clear on thoughts when presenting.
3. Not able to push back on tasks and stick to priorities.
4. Energy — have to trim it down when presenting to more senior members of the organization.
5. Improve on Business Knowledge
6. Be comfortable with less details and pick and choose what you convey to others.

During the whole process I did really like Mr T’s approach. Whilst sharing my weaknesses - he also offered some techiniques that I can use to tackle each and every one of those. And I liked that! It’s not just telling me what I need to improve and let me figure out what I can do to improve on it on my own, but he has ready advises/techiniques that I can action on. I left the meeting very uplifted. I was looking forward to utlizing the techiniques he shared with me.

And of course, a few hours after, I was back to my old self. I began to analyze each and every flaw that he mentioned. Critized myself for doing all those things. I began to spiral down. I berated myself for being too cheerful during presos, asked myself why I always needed to give context and not be direct. I kept on asking myself why I didnt even take intiaitve prior to his comments to learn more about how our company worked and how our business operates. I kept on asking myself why I was too unfomfortable to push back and stick to priorities etc. Basically, I was scolding myself for not being perfect.

But then…upon waking up today…I realized and told myself…

“K (thats me btw… let us call myself K) nobody is perfect. Everyone has improvement points. That you cant evolve if you only look at the good in you. You can’t ever change and become better if you only acknowledge the good and not think of the bad and take actions against the bad.

Look at this feedback as a reminder that no one is perfect and that you dont need to be perfect all the time because everyone is evolving. You always say you are a constant WIP (work in progress)…but are you only saying that or you really know that you are a constant WIP? Saying versus really imbibing that you are a constant WIP are two separate things. Being aware vs doing something about that awareness are also two separate things. AND YOU KNOW IT… SO WHAT IS IT? ANSWER! ANSWER ME!!!!

I realized that the talk yesterday was not about telling you you are not good enough but rather an opportunity to grow. It was not meant to make you feel bad and start berating yourself for not being perfect but a way for you to improve.

The good thing that Mr. T did was give you advise, pointers and techniques that you action and do. He is not an ass who just said you are not worthy but rather it is a chance to improve, to do better. A chance to grow and a chance to evolve yourself yet again.

Life is all about change…and how we deal and thrive with it — it being the only constant in this world. It is a life lesson. Its not about telling yourself “you suck”…but rather you are enough but also still have an opportunity to always evolve.

These are just things that will help you change for the better and become a better contributor to the team and the company and to your life in general.”

I always say that I am the most self aware person in the world. I am aware but the problem lies with what I do with that awareness. Most of the time I dont do anything at all. I just sulk and say that I know I am a certain way…but then not do anything about it.

This is a chance to prove NOT to OTHERS but to YOURSELF that you can change and that you can address your flaws. Not because you feel you’re crap but because you love yourself more to know the difference between evolving as a person versus changing yourself just to please other people.

In the end, I can choose not to do what he suggested and keep on doing what I have been doing and expecting a different outcome — Insanity accoding to Albert Einsten. But rather choose to change or amend how you are now to be a better human, a better communicator, a better employee and a better person. You choose what you want to do. No one can force you to change. Mr.T can talk/share all the techiniques he wants but it is up to you if you want to do what he is suggesting or dont do anything about it.

I realized it’s my choice. Do I choose to accept that I am the way I am and dont change or choose to accept that I am human and I am not perfect but have the opportunity to change and evolve?

I think I’m choosing to change. To try and see how the techiniques can help me become a better person. To cut the clutter and noise out. To be confident enough not to have to explain to everyone and justify what I am presenting, doing or saying things in a meeting or a gathering.

As my old boss (let’s call him- ABB) ABB says, I dont need to always justify why I am opening my mouth in meetings. People trust me and that I know more about stuff than most people in our organization. He always tried to remind me that I am enough. That I should be confident that I am worthy to be there and that I have enough skills and are better than most of the people in our office. I just needed to learn how to believe in myself.

Which by the way, has been the theme of this whole blog of mine. I am becoming more and more aware than my insecurities and lack of self esteem shows in one shape or form. I always believed that I was able to fool people with my lack of self esteem by being the life of the party, by being energetic and by being positive in any situation. But now I realize through all that smoke and mirror that I show the world, in some aspects it shows without me having to say it or it being slightly or blatantly obvious to other people. It shows in in sublte things that I constantly do and are not even cognisant of it showing.

Being aware of this makes me want to try and deal with the insecure little kid inside of me saying I cant do shit, cant fit in, cant be as pretty as the others, cant be as thin as the others, cant measure up… perhaps this time…I can try and do the techniques not just to mask the low esteeem but maybe really do it to change and maybe by really trying to change get to a point where this exercise makes me eventually really accept me and know that though I may not be perfect that I am enough.

And with that..I leave you with this quote…

“Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it.”– Stan Smith