Perhaps the Start of something New
So What is the purpose of this blog now?
My intention previously was to commemorate all the highlights and the aha moments that I had when I was in therapy. Now that I am no longer going to therapy because of financial reasons, and its another year, perhaps I will use this blog as a journal of what I am thinking of from time to time.
I find myself getting lonelier and lonelier by the day. I dont know why 2022 has made me realize how alone I am. I go through each day with just a meh attitude and wishing for a partner. I have been living alone and have been alone for years and I was fine. Nowadays I find myself just having hours to spare and nothing to do. I cant date cause Im fat as hell. I cant even get myself to stop smoking or stop eating to my hearts content. I cant get myself to start dieting and I dont know the reason for that as well. I WANT to lose weight, I WANT to quit smoking…but I just cant seem to transform the want to an action.
I have to admit though that at this moment in my life, I am lonely and feel lonely. I am thinking that I want to have someone to call my own. But just thinking about the process to get there just tires me already. Dating, getting my heart broken in a few different pieces, Im not ready for that. I want to slim down just to be at a 180 lbs and I cant seem to start to do that either. Dont know where to start, when to start and how to start. I want to not feel lonely and broke but I cant seem to know where or how to start that either. I want to start walking again but every day that goes by I tell myself…ah I’ll do it tomorrow. But I do need to walk for my sanity.
To be frank, I’m not broke…not yet that is. I still am liquid and im trying to get a hold of my finances. I am trying to save up for my condo that I bought back home. So when I retire I would have a home at least to go home to.
I know I can’t wish this all to existence.. I know that. My mind keeps saying, why cant it be as easy as meeting someone and falling in love and liking the person that likes me back? Why cant I just stop eating and just finally lose the weight? Why cant I just find a job that I can stick with for longer than 2 years?
Lots of questions…. not a lot of answers.
I;m still in medication for my depression. I am doing well though. Not sure if its the meds or its just me. I havent had a bad episode for the longest time. Maybe I can start to ween of my meds. Next month I’ll ask my doctor if I can. It’s been a year+ that I have been taking my meds. Thats the plan, but then I lack the follow through to do it. Thats the problem though…I have all these new years plans but dont follow through with it. I dont think I need to be super thin…I just need to lose 40 lbs. I dont need to be happy all the time, I just want to not be depressed. I dont need a boyfriend, I just need a companion that I sometimes have sex with (ok maybe more than sometimes to have sex with..ha!). I dont need to be a millionaire, I just want to be able to afford my condo without having to loan it from the bank. I want I dont want…whats the point..im not getting it anyways.
I know that it takes a lot of effort to get to where I want to be. Im turning 42 this year and I was thinking that maybe just maybe I can do something that I want to be able to do just this once. Here I go again with the black and white mentality. I need to be in the grey area. I know that I cant do everything all at once and everything takes time. Time that I know I have, and that maybe is the reason why I keep on procastinating. But I might not have all the time in the world to do everything that I want. I also dont know.
Maybe for now (being in the grey area) that I just do one thing to keep me started. Just one thing…and maybe thats walking again. I dont need to do it every single day but at least do it 3x a week. Lets start with that.
Lets also start cutting out the soda and not eating in the middle of the night. Lets start with that for now. It might not do anything but it also might do something. Lets start small and in regular intervals.
Trust the process and stick with it more than a few weeks. Lets just see what happens.
Dont give up on the dream.
Dont give up on life.
Dont give up on you. Cause there is a better you that is just waiting to be woken up.
[Maldita] Lets just try it for a few months. If nothing happens, we also didnt lose anything. Try it and let’s see where we end up. Is this a deal?
[Pag asa] Okay. Lets see how we go. No black or white…only grey area at this point. If we miss anything we wont be too hard on ourself. Deal?
[Maldita] Deal.
